Why You Treat Me Like a Dog?: The Bat Mitzvah Dancers

Saturday, February 25, 2006

The Bat Mitzvah Dancers

Bella's Mom and I went to a bat mitzvah party last night. It was the daughter of a friend of my parents, who happens to be a physician and has thrown me a couple of bones (patients) to help get my practice going. I guess he thought he'd invite us to his daughter's bat mitzvah as well. They came to our wedding, and to our son's bris (circumcision ceremony).

It was held in the penthouse ballroom of a decent local hotel. There was an open bar, passed hors d'oeuvres and a DJ. There were about 125-150 people there. The dinner options were chicken or fish.

Anywhoooo.

This is all pretty standard I guess. They are a very secular, Israeli family. My parents were there too. Apparently this was the extent of the Bat Mitzvah. My mother told me that there was no religious ceremony, there was no announcement at their synagogue (they don't go to one) and that she didn't think the bat mitzvah girl even knew how to read Hebrew. The girl did make a speech about how today was the day she took on the responsibility of a "member of Jewish society" and how it was important to live by "Jewish ethics". She thanked her parents, grandparents, and everyone for coming. They lits some candles for some reason.

Then the dancing started. All of a sudden, these four scantily clad young women emerge from a side door. The DJ cajoles everyone to join in dancing. The four women are wearing, I kid you not, tight royal blue leggings and a halter top shaped like a royal blue Star of David, with their cleavage, midriffs and belly buttons showing. They pranced around the room and grabbed people by the elbow and pulled them onto the dance floor. Mind you that Bella's Mom and I are not the least bit shy or prude, but we just looked at each other and our mouths dropped.

As the evening progressed, the Bat Mitzvah Dancers, as we dubbed them, had several costume changes. Always including tight leggings, always showing off their belly buttons, and always prancing around the room, they were apparently charged with getting the party going. They then did a strange performance dance to the tune of the Gipsy Kings' "Volare". What did this have to do with reaching the age of mitzvot or even the transition from childhood to womanhood? Dissonance.

Now ok - I've heard of over-the-top bar and bat mitzvah celebrations, but this was a little too much... Our son is only about six months old, and his bar mitzvah is very far off. It will not be like this. Sure we may change our minds several times between now and then, sure he may pressure us to do some things we may not think are appropriate (or maybe he won't), but he will be called to the Torah, there will not be the Bat Mitzvah Dancers and I really don't envision a Saturday night party at a hotel penthouse ballroom.

I have read elsewhere and also personally experienced the degeneration of the bar/bat mitzvah from a religious rite of passage to an over the top and ostentatious party. I know this is an issue that comes up for many Jewish families as the bar/bat mitzvah stage approaches. My impression is that it seems to be more of an problem in secular families, or perhaps in Reform, or even some Conservative families. While I sometimes hesitate to fully affiliate ourselves with the Modern Orthodox congregation to which we belong, this is one situation where I have no hesitation whatsoever.

To me, these ostentatious celebrations are not at all about the transition from being a child to becoming a Jewish adult with the responsibilities of mitzvot and community. They are repugnant and morally bankrupt displays of gluttony that should not in any way be associated with a religious or ethical rite of passage. I feel like I am coming across strong here, and I may look back on these words sheepishly down the line (or maybe 12 1/2 years down the line), but I think I would have enjoyed myself much more if this was just a nice birthday party, rather than being done under the guise of an important religious life cycle landmark event. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the fact that they invited us, they are a lovely family and I wish them the best. As I said, I don't think that they are particularly unique - I just lament the fact that this is where much of American Jewry is at these days and don't know where we're headed. The Bat Mitzvah Dancers just seem like the wrong direction.

- posted by wanderer @ 10:43 PM

Comments:

Well, Wanderer...both my boys bar mitzvahs were evening parties with lovely decorations, dancing, candlelightings, etc d.j. We had 2 people who danced with the kids and played games to keep the kids busy, (not belly-bearing)...all at our synagogue. This was after 4 years of hebrew school, reading from the torah, doing mitzvahs, etc. We wanted to have a celebration to honor our sons and share with our family and friends. Some people may call that ostentatious...we called it a great life celebration. But I have seen some of these get way out of hand, and that is too bad.

# posted by

cruisin-mom : 2/26/2006 11:33 PM

Cruisin' - any similarity between what your sons had and what we attended the other night ends after your first sentence. First off, your son's bar mitzvahs were at your synagogue, following a Jewish education, torah study, mitzvot, etc.

I think what disturbs me is that there is a pressure to conform, and outdo the Jones (or the Cohens, Levys, Goldbergs). What we saw the other night you would certainly have considered out of hand and probably in bad taste, and its just too bad. What bothers me is the other kids who were there, who may go home and tell their parents what they saw and now WANT.

# posted by

wanderer : 2/27/2006 6:52 AM

Did you get the dancer's card? Definitely terrible for a bar/bat mitzva, but what about for your next birthday?

BTW, one of the many things I like about you is that I also "sometimes hesitate to fully affiliate ourselves with the Modern Orthodox congregation to which we belong". After this post, though, I'm growing a beard an peyos.

# posted by

Doctor Bean : 2/27/2006 1:59 PM

You know what Bean? I'm growing a beard and peyos too.

# posted by

cruisin-mom : 2/27/2006 4:15 PM

But on you, it looks good!

# posted by

Doctor Bean : 2/27/2006 11:41 PM

Once upon a time a bar mitzvah consisted of an aliya to the Torah (boy called up to the Torah to read) and a few words of thanks to parents, grandparents and rabbis...followed by some honey cake and a L'chaim on wine. A formal bat mitzvah didn't exist, and if they did it was the equivalent of the classic "slap across the cheek" when the daughter announced to her mother, "Today I am a woman."

I've seen & heard of all kinds of bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs being celebrated these days. In spite of guests having fun and looking in wonderment at all that goes on at these affairs (the frills), they can't help wonder and ask, "If this is the bat mitzvah...I can't wait to see what they do for a wedding!"

# posted by

torontopearl : 2/28/2006 6:25 AM

I have yet to be at a wedding that has "ancillary entertainment" like the Bat Mitzvah Dancers. In my opinion it would be a pretty weak wedding if you need to bring in outside help to entertain your guests (beyond a band or DJ). Then again it is a mitzvah to entertain the bride and groom, whereas there is no halachic requirement for celebration with a bar/bat mitzvah. A party at the shul suits me fine (or even a nice kiddush after Shabbat services)!

Bean & Cruisin' Mom - I'd love to see those beards and peyos!

# posted by

wanderer : 2/28/2006 10:39 AM

Oh, I didn't mean the (added)entertainment factor at a wedding. I merely meant the cost, the money put out for fine or rather, *finer* details than an average affair -- that could mean countless flowers, chair coverings, large and elaborate centerpieces, the open bar options, the choice of band, the photographer, videographer...you get the picture. (ooh, didn't see the pun there when I first typed this)
Like some bar and bat mitzvah celebrations can get out of hand, so can weddings...and it's only one day hopefully out of 60+ years together as a couple.

BTW, please contact Dr. Bean for important information.

# posted by

torontopearl : 2/28/2006 12:16 PM

Doubt its specific to yoredim (Israelis who have emigrated) in L.A. since this isn't the first time I've heard of this being an issue, and definitely not just with Israelis.

Trend probably started somewhere in New Jersey or in the San Fernando Valley...

# posted by

wanderer : 2/28/2006 10:53 PM

It's a trend among people who have nothing better to do with their money. Although my friends' parties when we all turned 12 were much nicer than mine, none involved the ostentatiousness of the parties you describe and hear about. Neither did the Bar Mitzvahs of our community. My parents taught me the value of money (ie: paying for college is more important than a big, fancy party).

# posted by

Anonymous : 3/01/2006 6:18 AM

Hi Essie - thanks for stopping by! I agree that its a sign of "excess money", which could definitely be better spent elsewhere, and certainly more charitably. I think the community norm is what establishes the lavishness of the affair. It would be nice if more parents had the same attitude yours did!

goldstone - well there you go. Now it's all clear!

# posted by

wanderer : 3/02/2006 3:04 PM

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